Sibling Rivalry, Sibling Love

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View books by Jan Parker, Jan Stimpson.

Made me question my own ideas of "equal" - Rated
When I was pregnant with our second child, I spent hours scouring the shops for a definitive book on siblings. My son would be coming up for two when the baby arrived and we wanted to make it as easy as possible for him, and I suppose, for ourselves - the idea of a `terrible two' also feeling jealous and spurned sent chills down my spine. If I'm honest I wanted a book to tell me what to do and solve all my problems. Unsurprisingly that book doesn't exist. In the end I bought Sibling Rivalry, Sibling Love.

I would say from my exhaustive (exhausted?) research that if you only want to buy one book on siblings, this is it. It covers the pregnancy, early days, their childhood together and even goes into adolescent and adult sibling issues. It's occasionally a bit cheesy and luvvy a la `What to Expect' but on the whole it's pretty readable.

I read about two thirds of the book while pregnant and put a lot of the ideas into practice. It's not a quick reference guide with tips and checks - there are much better books out there for that. However it really makes you think about your assumptions about children and what `fair' or `equal' is in your treatment of more than one. It points out that it's not just what we do that matters, but how our children interpret it, and no two children interpret things the same way. Some of the pitfalls it highlights were things that never would have occurred to us otherwise. It's a book I will probably re-read or dip in and out of every year or so as our children grow up.

The best thing the book did was tell me there wasn't a right way to do it, and that my children would fight or not, whatever I did. There's only your best guess and an attempt at fairness. To a meticulous over-preparer, that was pretty reassuring.

Three years on, our kids' (not perfect but loving) relationship is one of my greatest joys. I'm sure much of it is their good character and our good fortune, but I'm also sure that my reading of this book has had no small part to play.

have we read the same book?!! - Rated
isn't it weird how people can read the same book and have totally different experiences? I didn't find this book negative AT ALL. On the contrary, I found it focused on so much more than fighting between brothers and sisters. Yes it helped me sort out my kids squabbling and understand my role in that, but it also helped me see all the warmth and caring in their relationship and build on that too. I've also turned around my relationship with my own sister, and it was reading this book and understanding more of what's happened between us since childhood that set me on that path. Maybe the previous reviewer didn't like the book's anti-smacking stance? Well stopping smacking was an important turning point in my relationship with my children - and they behave better now!

Negative - Rated
Why do so many people assume siblings hate each other? My relationships with my brothers & sisters (including step and half) are the longest & most fulfilling of my life. Julie Burchill had a point when she suggested being an only child was a direct route to being a psychopath!

PS: Smacking DOES work; there's difference between taking authority and battery. Effective boundaries are very important to a child's mental well-being & likeability.

Learn about yourself as well as your children! - Rated
Definitely a very worthwhile book for anyone with more than one child, even if they appear to get on. The book is written by recounting workshops with affected parents, plus helpful cartoon illustrations, which makes for very easy reading. The stories they tell of their own childhoods really make you think and effectively illustrate how parents can unwittingly exacerbate divides between their children. Some found they were able to understand and mend life-long problems with their own adult siblings as a result. The dangers of favouritism, making comparisons and the huge benefits of loving each child 'uniquely' (for themselves) rather than 'the same' are very clear. Highly recommended.

Well recommended for the parental bookshelf - Rated
On holiday recently my 9 and 12 year old daughters were once again in full war cry: 'I hate you!' yelled the youngest, ' I would like to chop your head off -slowly, so it really hurts'. There followed various expletives too rich to print. The crime the eldest had committed? Borrowing her sister's flip flops without permission.

Children fighting, is of course, one of the greatest sources of parental distress, anger and despair. How often have you found yourself joining in the shouting match in an attempt to quieten them down (fat chance) or wielded all sorts of threats (usually ineffective) or felt your heart race with anxiety at the blood curdling screams and violence? Sibling Rivalry, Sibling Love is the book for you - indeed for all parents with more than one child. Parker and Stimpson tackle all the thorniest issues - jealousy, rivalry, bereavement, disability, comparing and labelling and provide solid chapters on the foundations of how to build positive relationships, understanding feelings and family communication.

This is all delivered with a warmth, directness and practicality which engages the reader immediately. But while the style is accessible it is not chatty - the authors know you want get to the nitty gritty of your concerns.

Different perspectives are provided on each topic via loads of quotes from practitioners, parents, children and academics (slightly too many for taste), and each subject is broken down into bite sized chunks so you can use it for quick reference or read a snippet in between consoling warring children and preventing meltdown. Key approaches, practical tips, research evidence, short case stories all help to build up a resource that is insightful and strategic. It goes into what doesn't work too (smacking, name calling etc.) and why.

Well recommended for the parental bookshelf.

By Hetty Einzig, R&D Director, Parenting Education and Support Forum