1-2-3 Magic

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easy to read and remember, is magic! - Rated
This book is really good have not used all the techniques yet as my daughter is only 3 years old but what i have used works a treat! i can stop and start different behaviours almost instantly! Saves alot of unwanted shouting at home and public places. Can be a little OTT on a few things but overall really good.

A sensible approach to structured discipline - Rated
I'm not a big self-help book fan, but I am an educationalist, and I have used Phelan's approach with my own children. Phelan outlines a straightforward technique designed to reduce the number of confontational and/or undesirable interactions that take place between children and parents. The book highlights some of the critical moments that occur during the course of normal family life, and suggests useful ways of dealing with such tensions using a simple and easily understood approach, that most children over the age of two should respond to well. We have found that if it is used consistently for a week or so, the children respond favourably. Like any family, there are lapses when we are tired or the children are ill, for example, but we have found it relatively easy to bring their behaviour back into line. Gradually the children internalise the rule system and seem to respect it, as it gives them a useful framework for getting on with their parents and enjoying family life. Perhaps one of the nicest aspects of Phelan's book is that it successfully manages to avoid preaching, and relates some of Pehlan's own mistakes and failings. This gives the book a sense of humanity and realism. Overall, I think this book represents good value for money and is a useful tool for busy parents.

every parent should have a copy - Rated
WOW! I am a single mum with two boys aged 6 and 8, the latter child is v challenging and this book has worked A DREAM. The best parenting book ever. Very simple. So far it has changed my life. You must buy it.

I really like this book, but read with other resources - Rated
Hey, I must admit it, I really like this book. My wife ordered it (along with "Systemic Parenting: An Exploration of the Parenting Big Picture" - Gaskill) and passed them along to me when she was done. I think1-2-3 Magic: Effective Discipline for Children 2 -12 provides a basic overview of limits boundaries and consequences. On the other hand Systemic Parenting provided the detail that I (as a man) seemed to crave. Both get 5 stars. " 1-2-3 Magic: Effective Discipline for Children 2 -12" gives you some quick fixes and tools. "Systemic Parenting" - on a more serious note - answers those 'how' and 'why' questions I had as a parent. These books really compliment each other.

It will seem like magic - Rated
Part of what makes Phelan's now very well known system work is that whether one is cooking rice or disciplining children, it's essential to have a method, the simpler the better. All effective methods rely first and foremost on how they guide us away from reactive and emotionally-based behaviors and keep us on the proper path. Note well that Phelan's method requires the parent to understand that "Too Much Talking" and "Too Much Emotion" by the parent will lead to failure. Understanding why this is so is the key to understanding why Phelan's method is so effective.

Usually parents get caught in the trap of explaining or justifying their prerogative. This can be done once: clearly I am the adult, and not only is it my responsibility to guide your development, but, because I have been where you are and understand your situation--mainly frustration at not getting what you want--it is I, not you, who are in a position to make the right decisions. Period. Indeed, this doesn't even have to be said once. Children understand, with or without realizing it, that Mom and Dad know better than they do.

So any sort of "talk" is not only superfluous but may obscure what has happened, namely that the child has done something wrong and the parent wants it stopped. Furthermore, if you talk, the child talks and the lesson is diluted.

Even worse is for the parent to get emotional about disciplining the child. It's your job, do it and don't get worked up about it because discipline is just a technique in the larger socialization process. If you allow yourself to become emotional, you muddy up the waters and detract from the business at hand.

Phelan's 1-2-3 Magic technique works and is easy to learn and implement. If you are an ineffective disciplinarian, this book will literally change your life. My daughter and son-in-law use this method and I can tell you without it they would be foundering about and their ability to guide my grandsons would be weakened. Never forget however that what children respond to is fairness, even-handedness, and the love that is implicit in a sincere desire to help them become fully realized human beings. Or, as Phelan succinctly puts it: "...children respond because they know Mom or Dad means business." (p. 50)

Just a quick word on this "meaning business." If you say "that's two and a half" and "that's two and three-quarters," you are NOT getting down to business. You are demonstrating that you aren't sure yourself that you are right while proving that you are unreliable. Phelan warns against this all too common parental trap.

Note too that there is no corporal punishment involved in Phelan's method. In today's world of the "professional parent" (as I like to dub my daughter and son-in-law) it is axiomatic that one does not hit or slap a child. But why? Of course violent behavior only begets violent behavior, but more than that, not hitting protects the parent from going too far. Hitting leads to more hitting. But if one never hits to begin with there is no danger of escalation. Only foolish and lazy parents hit their children. Phelan's method is an extension of this wise understanding.

The devil is in the details of parenting, you say? Yes, and in this very well written (the phrase "clear as a bell" definitely applies), you will get the details of how the method is applied in many situations and circumstances. Wondering how to put the child in "time out" at the supermarket? Phelan goes into that. What about the difference between "stop that!" and "do that"? It's one thing to get a child to stop doing something wrong. It's quite another to get the child to actually do something that needs to be done, like clean her room or do her homework. Phelan explains the difference between these two problems and how to deal with them.

Here's a another question: should the child have to apologize for what he did? Phelan warns that "many apologies are really exercises in hypocrisy." (p. 54) The child is forced to apologize for hitting his sister, but he really feels that the apology is just part of the punishment. She hit him first and she deserved it. The fine points of the murky psychology of retaliation must wait for the older child to emerge. Right now, you just stop the hitting, period.

Finally, what to do in public? Phelan devotes an entire chapter to that, and basically he says you have to bite the bullet and realize that the future character of your child is more important than any embarrassment you may experience from "counting" your child in public. From personal experience I can say that once you let the child know that being in public is no different than being at home, the child will behave. However if you let it be known that you are "vulnerable" when you're out in public, the child will immediately take advantage. Children love to test. They need to test. That's how they figure out their world.

Part of the reason this book is so polished and Phelan's methods so precise is that "over the many years of developing" his program parents have taught him how to handle tricky situations so that he now has it all covered. Also clear is Phelan's understanding of children and their needs, and the obvious affection he has for them. As he says (after you have initially explained that you are going to begin using the 1-2-3 counting method): "Expect the kids to sit there and look at you like you've just gone off your rocker." (p. 68)

Bottom line here is: if you are not aware of Phelan's very effective technique, do yourself and your children a favor and get this book.